Today, in the early hours of the morning, a dear friend and I dragged our weary feet out of bed to meet up and watch the sunrise. Something about being awake while the rest of the world slept brought about a great, quiet peace in my soul, and though the thick rolling clouds hid away much of the sunrise and all its splendor, the hints of color which peeked through the darkness were enough to remind me that the Son never fails to shed light and life on the darkness of my own night sky.
If I were to sum up yesterday in one thought, it would be how I am mourning the death of my past selves. Not that they were better or more desirable than who I have grown to become, those past versions of me, just easier. It was easier to give into all of the things that drew me apart from God than to fight against them to live in the light.
Why is it we can’t approach this kind of death as we do for that of a loved one? We don’t lower a coffin 6 feet under the ground and bid farewell to our old selves for the remainder of our time on earth. I don’t know about y’all, but I have a tendency to take a shovel to those graves on dark and dreary nights, and even occasionally on rainy days like today, and resurrect old demons as if something which is dead and gone could ever be redeemed.
To be more specific, I am struggling with the old nagging grip of fear and worry. I am anxious over things which I know are in God’s perfect control, because I can’t seem to step back and calm myself with the peace that His timing and His plan are greater than my desire for a clear picture of my life right now. I am so tired of fear stealing my joy, but the reality is that I open the door when my anxieties knock and then get frustrated when they step in and make themselves at home in my heart. But today, I will not let them win over my resolution to be real with myself. With others. I’ve heard a few amazing stories lately about people who let accountability partners glimpse into their lives, so maybe that is sort of what this blog will be. Because every time I read a post composed of raw feelings, dirty details, and vulnerability, I cheer for the person behind those words through my computer screen and am reminded how I need to do the same. Therefore dear readers, take my fears and read them, make fun of them, tell me how you overcame them yourselves. I just need to let them go.
Because I am afraid.
I am afraid I will go to college next year and not find community with people who will encourage me and walk in faith alongside me. I am sometimes overcome with such overwhelming loneliness, and it is all I can do to weakly pray for relief. I desperately don’t want to feel that way. But I’m scared to get lost in the newness of it all and to never find the God given friends who will anchor me as I have here at home.
I am incredibly afraid of the wife, mother, and person I may someday become. Scared that I will become everything I resented growing up. And though I don’t know what the future holds, I plead with God that maybe I will do better and be better and know how to love better than I was ever loved. I am afraid my maybe someday children will hide from me their shortcomings in fear I would not react with an abundance of grace, or that I would not be able to recognize the tucked away pain behind their eyes my own mom didn’t recognize in me. I am scared of broken marriages and harboring unforgiveness and not finding someone who is as passionate as me about the notion that broken things were meant to be fixed not discarded.
And on that note, I am fearful I may never find love. I don’t mean in a Disney princess sort of prince charming way; I mean I worry that I will never be chosen by someone who is willing to pick up the broken pieces of all I am and who will commit to a life of loving all my quirks, flaws, hopes, dreams, and Jesus on the altar. Maybe this comes from a deep rooted lie feeling I am not worthy of the love which I try to extend to others, but lie or not it threatens to steal my thoughts and my gaze away from the promise of a good life in Him. Though these are not the fears which should strike the heart of a young high school girl, I have a tendency to over-think the aspects of my life which I can’t control because it is inherently more comfortable to feel consumed by the future than to fix the hurting of the present. Since we’re being real, I may as well say that many conversations I treasure are ones with the married women in my life. The ones who assure me their hearts have echoed these same fears in their past. Because these are the people who are living testimonies that God works in awesome and mysterious ways to fulfill the human desire to find true, pure, and honest love, and their words bring me immense comfort in the middle of my own unwritten love story. What’s more, I see the way these women step into the roll of a Godly wife and I admire their strength to submit to the ways God calls us as His daughters to be and I sincerely hope I have the chance to emulate them one day. It feels so weird to give these fears to you- my readers- but I can’t be the only one who wonders if maybe I am doomed to searching in vain for the love we hope God has in store for our lives.
And even still, there are those fears which I am not ready to admit. The ones I still need to pray through with God before giving them to other people. Those are the ones which grip me the most- the paralyzing fears that still manage to work their way into my throat and strangle my ability to speak even to my Father. I’m trying though, I really am. And for those of you struggling with fear today too, I pray you experience the peace of a God who is bigger than all of the things that haunt you.
The thing about sunrises, they’re the bringers of new dawning days. Of renewed energy to lethargic landscapes and of warmth to bitter coldness. As the sun never fails to bring about its faithful presence each day, I’m working to believe Jesus is the same. Because it is only through Him I find hope above my fears.
Here is a verse that brings me great comfort, and I hope it encourages you in some way too.
Lamentations 3:22-23
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Something I would really like to do is to pray for you guys. We can help each other walk through the anxieties and the worries of life together. If there is anything weighing on your hearts today, feel free to comment or shoot me a message because nobody should have to face their world alone. Sending love and prayer for the lightness of your hearts today. May the burdens weighing you down be lifted and filled with the peace that surpasses all understanding. With love,
Brianna. xx
grace upon grace 