you are not a wager.

“I always knew deep down that your big dreams would take you far away from me” my momma wrote to me in a letter. “But my heart goes with you where ever you go”

Sitting outside on the front porch steps of an unfamiliar house this weekend, on a retreat where I didn’t quite know any of the other students, I cried over the words my mom so poured her heart into.  I saw myself in the way she writes- with an urgency to convey the aches of letting go through a paper and pen because the mouth is clumsy and the tongue gets tied.  In this private moment, though; stolen away from the bustle inside, I felt an immense weight off my shoulders because my mother bird was finally telling me it’s okay to fly.

And that is where I am at.  Standing at the edge of the nest, about to test my wings for size.  And it’s scary, jumping and betting on the air’s ability to catch me before the ground catches up.  But I am too quick to forget that our lives are not poker chips being tossed onto the felt table as a wager.  No, I don’t have to jump hoping the winds are dealt in my favor to soften the blow, hoping I won’t crash and burn, because God is already holding me in His hand high above the hardened ground.

I have such moments of doubt- ones where I magnify my own inadequacies and question that my dreams are too big.  I so painfully wonder if I am good enough to succeed, daunted in the face of how completely and utterly useless I feel against all the forces trying to hold me back from pursuing what I know I am called to do.  But a wise person once told me if your dreams don’t scare you a little bit, they’re not big enough.  You see God is altogether limitless.  And who am I to look at Him and question if my ability is enough when His is more than enough?  The author of life certainly has a mighty pen capable of writing me into a story bigger than even the one I currently fear entering into.  I look at California as a place to tackle college, God sees it as a new place to use me for kingdom purposes.  I see myself in the world of business, but God looks at me and says,  girl, you’re in the business of pursuing my lost children.  But even knowing He is sovereign above all else, it is so hard to take the leap and trust He is faithful.  No matter how many times God proves Himself to me, I still shy away from opportunities to see His faithfulness work through my trust.

The words of a song by Jonah Werner, one of the coolest guys you’ll ever meet, play on repeat in my mind as I attempt to take the jump in this next season of my life.  What I fall, will you catch me, and what if I call, will you hear me, and what if I trust, will you help me, and if I’m drowning, will you save me? It is amazing to serve a God whom answers to every one of those questions with an absolute yes. 

God, give me the kingdom mentality, the courage to live out the faith to fly and to stifle the uncertainty that tells me to stay in the nest. Flying should be impossible, but I will spread my wings anyway.  Because nothing is impossible with you.  

Brianna. xx

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